Our Journey to Growing Our Family Part 2 - Sunrise and Mountain Mercies
This is a continuation of a blog series on our journey to growing our family. To read part one, click here.
The months following my surgery were challenging. My body was still healing, and healing for me, wasn’t linear. Some days I would feel great, others I would be struck by pain that would leave me curled up in a ball on our floor.
Since my surgery, we had found out more information about endometriosis that was somewhat discouraging. At my post op appointment, we found out that because of the extensiveness of my endo, they were unable to remove all of it. They did remove what they felt would be most beneficial for fertility. Knowing they had not removed all of it meant that I would still suffer from the symptoms. In early Fall, we found a specialist in northern Idaho and scheduled another surgery for the following January in hopes that he would perform excision surgery to remove all of the remaining endo. We continued trying, with hope, but the hope was dwindling. By November, Brian and I were weary from the wait. We were ready for a break, needing some time to just be us and not be concerned about trying.
One Saturday morning, we had a disagreement about how we should proceed, either taking a break or continuing to try until my next surgery date. I wanted to get out of the house, so I left with the dogs and my camera, and headed up into the foothills hoping to catch some photos of sunrise. We hiked up to the top of a hill and set up my camera. The sunrise was glorious. 360 degrees of color. I snapped photos in every direction. I breathed in the crisp fall air and I felt thankful. Nothing had gone my way, and yet I knew that all of this was a part of God’s good plan. A verse came to mind:
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
I had no promise of having biological children, no answer as to when or how our family would grow, but on this morning, I felt refreshed, and God gave me a new dose of hope. I came home, Brian and I reconciled, and then we decided to take a drive into the mountains. We took dirt roads in Idaho City all the way to a fire lookout, where again we had 360 degree views. The greater part of the last two years had felt like such a valley. It felt so refreshing to be on top of a mountain.
A week and a half following that Saturday, it was a Tuesday morning before work Nov. 13, 2018 . I was getting ready to hop in the shower while Brian made coffee in the kitchen. The night prior, we were at a church small group get together, and one of our good friends and mentors had laid hands on me and prayed for us to conceive. He was one of many who had prayed for us. As I stood in our bathroom, I thought about his prayer and his bold petition to the Lord. I had a box of pregnancy tests in our bathroom, and on a last minute whim, I decided to take one. I did the deed, set the test on the shelf above our toilet, then hopped in the shower before waiting for the results. It was going to be negative anyway, I thought, they always are. Besides, I guessed it was a little early to be taking a test, even if I was pregnant.
I finished my shower, grabbed my towel and stepped out onto the cool floor. I grabbed the test, and saw it immediately. A second line. “What?!” I whispered to myself in amazement. I turned the test this way and that, but there was no way I was mistaking it. It was definitely a positive test. I stood silent in amazement as my heart began pounding. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
I had waited for this moment for two years, and I couldn’t wait to surprise Brian. A year ago, I had purchased a onsie that said “The Adventure Begins” and had planned to use it to surprise him. Now, on this morning, almost two years after we had decided to start trying to grow our family, that onsie didn’t seem to fit. Our adventure had already begun, and this was just the culmination of all we had been through. I had another onsie I bought on a whim, and decided to use that one instead. It said “tiny wonder”. What a wonder indeed.
I laid it out on our bed, and asked Brian to come in to our room. Initially he pushed back since he just sat down to read, and he thought I just wanted to show him a funny video. I chuckled to myself thinking, he has no idea, and resisted the urge to yell, “you’re going to want to see this!!! “I have something to show you,” I said trying my best to keep my voice steady and natural. I finally convinced him, and he sleepily walked into the bedroom. At first he walked right past the onesie. “Look what is on the bed!” I exclaimed. He saw it and his jaw dropped. “Are you serious!” He gasped, then immediately climbed on top of me on top of the bed and embraced me in a hug. At that point I was shaking and laugh/crying, releasing all the grief of the last year, and consuming the joy of this pivotal moment. We were going to be parents! We couldn’t believe it!
I took a quick glance at the calendar and realized something that made me gasp and giggle at the same time. The Saturday I had my morning sunrise mercy, and Brian and I drove up to the mountains, was most likely the day after our miracle baby was conceived. As I stood on the hillside bathed in morning light and had my conversation with God, and as we peered out over the 360 degree mountain top view, God had already conceived a miracle in my belly! His mercies are indeed new every morning!
Our journey can be summed up in almost 2 years of countless negative pregnancy tests, numerous tests and doctor visits, one surgery, a lot of tears, pain, prayers, patience, hope, discouragement, frustration, more tears, more hope, trust, faith and ultimately surrender. In the end, it wasn’t about having a baby, but rather Jesus being in His rightful place as Lord of our lives. In that time of waiting He provided such sweet communion with himself. In another blog post, I plan to talk more about the emotional and spiritual aspects of our infertility, and about what I learned through this whole experience. So stay tuned!